Leaving Sports to Build Better Habits
Since I could walk, I played soccer. A lot. My dad played professionally, so I played and so did my brother. When my sister eventually came along, she played too. Soccer was an institution in my life, if not the institution. Even during the offseason, there was a reason to be training, working with the ball, lifting, and running. All to become better. This continued into college, where school and soccer became the central pillars of who I was and what I did.
The flexibility afforded by college meant that my life revolved around these two pillars of class and sport. Everything, including my social life, came secondary, needing to find space in between these two immovable objects. When the season ended, I had a 3-4 hour gap in my day from the lack of practice and games. Quickly, that time filled again with hours spent at the athletic center, lifting, running, and playing indoor soccer. Even when my senior season ended and I was no longer an official student-athlete, I delayed the inevitable for a few more months with this routine.
Photo by Emilio Garcia on Unsplash
But graduation forced a change. And I struggled to start life anew. I no longer had the sport that had come to define a good portion of my identity for 17+ years. When work started up after a few months off, I did not return to the routines of an athlete. It was that quick. I occasionally found the energy to workout (maybe a few times a month) and an adult soccer league to pass the time. But I did not find it satisfying.
My day consisted of a desk computer for the majority of 8 hours a day (sometimes longer). And then I returned home to continue sitting. At my desk. On my couch. In front of my computer. In front of the tv.
I knew I should be doing something, something physical to offset my now sedentary lifestyle. Yet the motivation never arrived. I kept waiting. And waiting. And waiting for it to float down from the heavens. By pushing my start dates back (Monday will be the day) and making excuses (ah, you’re still fit enough), I kept myself from taking action.
In college, it had been easy. It was remarkably easy to get up, go to the gym, and spend 3 hours or more there. I was truly happy to be there. With someone, by myself, didn’t matter to me, I just did it.
That ease did not seem to carry over into my new life away from soccer. In my mind, the ‘reason’ to do any sort of exercise didn’t exist anymore. My purpose was undefined, in stark contrast to how I had lived at university.
College = Everything I do is to become a better soccer player.
Work = ...I dunno man, to not be super fat??
That defining meaning was missing. And sitting there and waiting for motivation to show up at my doorstep with brownies and a smile wasn’t working.
I knew all of this and I was so disappointed in myself for it. Deeply ashamed, coupled with not a small dose of self-hatred. I hated my weakness, my lack of willpower, the absence of discipline.
Every time I passed on going to the gym after work just deepened my self-loathing, but never enough to force me to instill permanent change. This continued for more than a year, honestly closer to two. While there were periods of weeks, sometimes even a few months, where I could establish somewhat of a healthier routine, it did not last.
Even when I took an assistant coaching job that allowed me to play with college soccer players and have access to college workout facilities, the routine crumbled. Even when I made the move to Australia, and became a student-athlete again, with postgraduate study and the existence (thank god) of a quality team, I did not always stick with it. I still found it hard to go to the gym. I was no longer spending 11+ hours sitting in front of a screen, but I longed for the steely iron-will and determination of my college playing days.
Finding ‘habit change’
Throughout those years, I read about habit building, psychology, awareness and meditation, and anything remotely related. I wanted answers. I wanted the secret to hacking my brain to return it to the way it was. Some of the things I learned worked (mini-habits, establishing accountability with a friend, starting with an end goal and working backwards, being proactive and having a plan). But anytime the pattern broke, it took me weeks to get back on track. I berated myself for failing and wallowed in pity and self-loathing for some time before eventually trying to start anew.
Not healthy. Not productive.
Things changed when I read an article about motivation, and a crucial ingredient missing from it: kindness to oneself. The article (and others) demonstrated the crucial importance of self-compassion in our habit building. We are often our own biggest critics, which can lead to the destructive spiral I just described above.
Truth be told, everyone knows what they need to do. Eat more fruits and vegetables, exercise more, don’t smoke, drink less, call your mom more often. This knowledge is not complex. These actions are simple, but that does not mean they are easy. It is the action and the consistency of that action that trips people up. Knowing it is simple just makes it even more frustrating when we don’t do it.
And when there exists a disconnect between what we know we should be doing, and what we are actually doing, it is a small and easy step to there is something wrong with me. I am flawed, I have failed, woe is me.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are not inherently broken. You are not destined for failure. This doesn’t mean you need to be complicit with failing. But you do also have to be able to forgive yourself.
This is a journey. Building new habits is fucking hard. Being patient enough to see the change when you just want to be better at X now, is the worst. But you have to do it.
You have to say it is ok to stumble, it is ok that I messed up, because it is not an inherent failure of my character. With this in mind, it changes the conversation from “What is wrong with me?” to “What went wrong?” It eliminates the downward spiraling, emotional hamster wheel that is so easy to jump on to and not so easy to jump off of.
Now, the questions being asked are productive. Questions can now seek to address the barriers before you and set you back on the path: What happened that led to this? How can I prevent it from happening again?
Instead of spending all day furious and unproductive because I slept in and missed my workout before class, now I can say “This happened because I was tired. So I should go to bed earlier to make sure it doesn’t happen again. And I should set my alarm next to my workout clothes and out of the room so I have to get out of bed to shut it off and actually look at those clothes judging me and my life choices. Pretentious ass clothes.”
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
This change in mindset has been the start of a remarkable shift in my attitude and my success with the habits I am trying to build and break. They are now things I haven’t changed about me yet. And I am (mostly) comfortable knowing that I will eventually succeed if I continue down the path. I can still get upset when I screw up, but it does not lead to the destructive and unproductive spiral like it used to. I now (usually) have much more pleasant and civilized conversations with myself so that I can continue to improve who I am and not wallow in the pool of pity, party of one.
To close, I’ll end with words of the immortal legends, Bill and Ted: “Be excellent to each other…and yourselves”. Because that’s the only way to keep moving forward and keep getting shit done. Good luck out there folks.
