31 Lessons from 31 Years on This Planet
Last weekend, I turned 31. I can’t say I loved reaching that number. For the first time, I’m starting to accept that living forever might be just outside my reach. Maybe. In any case, here’s 31 things I’ve learned from my time on Earth thus far.
1. Humility is an under-rated value. I've always known 'being humble' is a good thing. You hear about it in fairy tales. My dad exemplifies it to a T. But only now have I come to appreciate how important humility is to preventing a closed mind. Humility says, "I don't know," as opposed to "You're wrong". There is a world of difference between those two responses. Arrogance, as the certainty that we are right, closes us off to learning. It locks our worldviews in. And I've been guilty of that for a very long time of valuing being right or winning a conversation over considering how I might be wrong or somebody else might be right. But in the last couple months, Dad's lessons must finally be sinking in. I've been able to let go of conversations entirely, or turn them into question and answer sessions instead of trying to prove myself right. I have enjoyed learning from these two-way conversations and it’s to everyone’s benefit when I’m not an ass.
2. Integrity is a valuable meta-value, it is how well we are living in line with our values. The best metaphor I've been able to come up with is if our values are the road we take through life, integrity is how well all the cobblestones fit together. Closing the gap between what we do and who we say we are makes for a smoother journey in the long run. I am still working to close that gap, and one of the ways is to more frequently check in with how my actions align with what I say I value. In terms of tactics, 1) tracking my time over the week and comparing against my professed priorities, 2) daily journaling and weekly reviews, and 3) also keeping an eye on my spending are all concrete ways to implement that feedback. I haven't perfected that, but I know what to do and how important it is.
How well you align your actions with your values determines how ‘rocky’ the path through life is going to feel.
Photo by Ann Danilina on Unsplash
3. I think there's a strong case for the scientific method of thinking as the greatest development in human history. The value of science as a way to think about problems has the potential to counteract the flaws in day to day human thinking, not just in research or academia. For example, I've started to view certain personal beliefs of mine as experiments. I believe "I am a good writer" (my hypothesis). Is that true? And how can I find out if it's true or not? What evidence supports that view? I've found this biases me towards action, and prevents me from toxic certainty in the views that protect me.
4. I can think of few instances where iron-clad certainty is a useful thing. In a world that is complex, and in a world where our perceptions rarely match up with reality, I have found much more success in realizing how ‘little’ I know and being comfortable with that. I believe this to be true of ideas and political positions, but particularly when it comes to emotions, certainty about what you or anyone else is feeling in an uncertain world seems to be misguided. Instead, creating space to discover reality together by withholding judgment, asking questions and seeking understanding is a far more productive path forward. I don’t do it every time, but I like myself a lot better when I do.
5. Showing up is usually the first and best step. I had to learn this over and over in the PhD, as there was often an overwhelming amount of things to do. And as the type of person who has genuinely always loved school, I liked doing research to find answers. The best answers. What is the best workout. What is the best morning routine. What are the best books on finance. You get it. However, I will often use this 'research' as an excuse not to act. And while I'm reading and researching, I am not doing, and therefore not benefitting from the lessons that can only be taught by showing up and doing the work. If you can show up, that's the first and best step.
6. While he might not be for everyone, David Goggins has seen and done some shit. And one of the realest things he ever said was that most of us are living at about 40% of our potential. That hurt to hear. I don't know if it's true or not, but listening to the audiobook at the train station, the answer to "Are you maxing out your life right now?" was a resounding, heart-breaking no. It doesn't mean I need to run a marathon without training tomorrow, or shit your pants to finish an ultra-marathon after a heavy squat day the day before (he’s a lunatic). But I need to be a bit more willing to do hard work, work I don't want to do, work that pushes me. It doesn't require spartan living but comfort can't be an excuse anymore if I wish to push the boundaries of my potential.
7. In a similar vein, action first is becoming a new motto. I don't need all the answers before I start, chances are I'll figure it out along the way. The answers can be found in the work. This website is a great example. I could have researched Ghost.io vs Squarespace for days. Instead, after being inspired by my friend Val and a kick in the ass from Ali Abdaal, I set it up that afternoon. In less than a few hours, I went from nothing to having a complete (albeit still growing) website. I'm still learning, but this thing exists where it did not before. I'm proud of that.
8. Setting up my website and writing online should not have taken this long. Fear crippled me from sharing my work in front of others. I'll need to tackle that fear at some point, but the lesson is start the project. Start it now, even if it's just writing down on paper what's going to happen. Do not put it off because we don't have tomorrow guaranteed.
9. I started doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu again this year, and I’m thrilled about it. The value of BJJ is in the humility and the challenge. I've written more about this here, but the essential idea is that it's hard to get arrogant when you've had someone strangle you multiple times that morning, and it's harder to get upset over minor irritations when your limbs are being threatened with severe breaking pressure. There’s always something to learn, and there’s always somebody better than you. It is a wonderful, dynamic chess-game with the highest of stakes.
There’s nothing quite like trying to murder another human while you are both wearing your pajamas to keep your ego in check.
Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash.
10. You get out what you put in. And you get to identify yourself with the things you do. I don't get to be a runner if I don't run anymore. And the only way to get better at running is to put the work in. If I want to be a writer, I have to write. Often. I have to read. I have to put in the work. We have to earn the identities we give ourselves, we have to carve success out of stone through consistent, constant effort.
“They think their success is written in cursive, when really, success and confidence are carved from effort and results. In gradual relief as the evidence comes in, reassessed at every turn. And while it’s perfectly possible that believers may turn out to be right, it’s the latter type, the evidence-based community, as the saying goes, who will enjoy their success more and find it considerably less precarious and fleeting.”
11. Running sucks. Nobody can tell me otherwise. I hope for the day when I return to enjoying it again, but right now, I am out of shape and 'going for a run' is an exercise in torture. Still gonna do it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
12. If you want satisfaction in life, you need 1) purpose, a feeling of belonging to or working on something bigger than yourself, 2) progress, the sense you are getting better, and 3) people, meaningful connections to friends, family, coworkers, etc. around you. The times I've been happiest in my life, I've had all 3, and the times I've felt really conflicted or down, it's usually because 1 or more is missing. The month after finishing the PhD was a very weird, not entirely enjoyable time because I didn't know what I was doing next and I didn't have the purpose of being in school anymore.
13. Titles don't matter. It's the journey. Despite being this close to earning my PhD, I realized before I even submitted that putting Dr. in front of my name or PhD at the end of it wasn’t going to change who I was. Fortunately, I believe I am a much better person for having gone through that challenging experience, but the value was never in the title, and the outcome is rarely as important as the path it took to get there.
14. Assuming good intentions in others is a sure way to have a pretty immediate impact on your day to day by eliminating minor irritations. Somebody cuts you off in traffic? Blame it on them rushing to the hospital for the birth of their first child. Somebody at work acting irritable? Blame on them not sleeping well or there's a lot going on in their mind. Since I've started to embrace this change, stuff that would usually irritate the shit out of me for a whole day (or longer) washes away in moments. I'm not wasting time on other's imagined slights, I'm moving on with my day and with my life.
15. Using your hands to put things down on paper or a whiteboard, or some physical format is rarely a bad decision. When facing just about any problem about what to do next, how ideas fit together, or feeling overwhelmed, I have yet to regret taking 15 minutes to put it down on paper. Spending more time is better, but even that simple act clears my head and turns the negative spiral in my head into something defined right in front of me to start tackling.
16. Walks. What an under appreciated tool. In the morning. During the day. In the evening. Get outside to clear your head, reset, take a break, enjoy the outdoors. Even if it's for 10 minutes, going for a walk was crucial to finishing my PhD and untangling some thorny problems, and I still do that now to clear my head in the morning or to get myself in the right mindset to keep working in the afternoons.
Take yourself and your feet (maybe some clothes) and go outdoors and move around. A simple but effective recipe for not losing your mind.
Photo by Thomas Tucker on Unsplash.
17. It is way easier to create from already created material. Sitting down and coming up with 31 lessons is possible, but hard. It was far easier to be able to look back on my daily journals, my weekly reflections, and my personal Zettelkasten. Looking at those, I was able to draw inspiration, copy, and paraphrase from that already existing material. Steal like an artist, especially if you're thieving from yourself because the more work you can front-load to collect and process ideas, the better your thinking and the better your writing will be.
18. Imposter syndrome is real. You can lessen it by remembering others have struggled with the same thoughts and fears.
19. When you’re not having a great day, start over. That used to be me writing off a day, or even writing off a week, to come back stronger for the next one. But if you can shorten that ‘refresh’ period (and you can) to quarterly (early morning; late morning; afternoon; and evening) instead of daily, you give yourself more opportunities to quickly get back on track.
20. Having awareness of what is actually going on in your head is a superpower. That can arrive from meditation, or from journaling, but when we are able to realize “Oh, this is what I’m thinking” or “I am feeling x emotion right now”, we create distance. We create distance and space in between that thought and what we choose to do next. We create space to make better decisions. And when we make choices, consciously, skillfully, and wisely, we create a better life.
“Mindfulness gives you time. Time gives you choices. Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom. You don’t have to be swept away by your feeling. You can respond with wisdom and kindness rather than habit and reactivity.”
21. Feedback is so important. If you want to manage something (your life, your honesty, your fitness, your relationships), you have to find a way to measure that thing, objectively. Only by collecting feedback can you figure out if the performance in your head matches your performance on the field. And unfortunate newsflash, a lot of times, those two are going to be really far apart. A lot. And that’s going to sting sometimes. But the pain of real feedback is necessary to create something better, to make an ally of reality rather than an enemy.
22. Your environment matters more than you think in dictating your daily actions. After 5 years of the PhD, much of what behavioral economics, neuroscience, and social psychology tells us about human behavior is that 1) we are not rational and 2) you are taking in more from your surroundings than you realize. Who you surround yourself with. What you read on socials. What you watch. Where you work. What people around you are saying and doing. All of that matters. Pay attention to it, and proactively and deliberately curate those surroundings if they do not align with who you wish to be and where you wish to go.
23. Jerry Seinfeld, on the Tim Ferriss podcast, had one of the best descriptions of the mind versus the brain. Crucially, he also pointed out how much of our resistance to the things we know we should do stems from not giving the brains limits. Confining it by saying “I am going to work on x for y period of time” lets the brain breathe, and it lets you start because your brain knows when the torture is going to end. And once you start, everything becomes much easier.
24. From my dear friend, Joe Lurie, his wife, Cathy, and their Big Life Roadmap Course, a clear vision of what you are working towards creates a strong pull towards your desired future (pleasure) and a strong push away from stagnation and uncertainty (pain) because you now know the gap between where you are and where you wish to be. Getting super clear on what it is that you do actually want can free you from the fog and paralysis of not knowing wtf it is that you’re doing or where you’re going. It’s not easy to gain that type of clarity, but it is necessary.
25. Being a leader means travelling with your people at their side. Freely offering what you know without expectation. Sometimes 'here's what I learned' is useful; many times wholehearted presence at their side is enough.
26. One of a leader’s primary responsibilities is to create a strong vision (the goal) and establish the rules (values) to get there. As the complex problem changes, so do we, but everyone knows about it, learns from it, and operates from the same foundation the team has built together.
27. James Kerr, who wrote an excellent book on leadership after studying the All Blacks, said leadership came down to 3 abilities: 1) technical competence, the skills to do a certain job; 2) social competence, the ability to create connections and relationships with team members; and 3) teaching competence, the ability to bring others along with you and help them find the best versions of themselves. Teaching is the one most often missing. And you don’t need to be a ‘boss’ to practice those 3 abilities.
28. A bit grim, but considering death, a practice the ancient stoics called memento mori, is an immensely clarifying practice to figure what is actually important to you and what is not. I honestly used this at multiple times throughout my PhD to keep things in perspective, and I believe it is partially responsible for allowing me to emerge with my sanity intact.
29. Roam Research is awesome. I’ve started using it to journal, to keep notes on what I’m reading, and to pull things together from what I’m reading into what I’m writing. I’ve been trying to track all of my notes from things I read for probably about 10 years, and Roam gives me hope for finally having a reliable system to do that.
30. Give yourself the chance to discover something greater in yourself and in the world around you through the work. The type of work that you can lose yourself in. Maybe it’s drawing. Maybe it’s making music. For me it’s writing. It’s not to say I’m particularly good at it, but I can and do lose myself in putting words on a page. I love that feeling. And I love who I am when I’m doing that work. Full immersion in that work opens up a path to our best selves that usually stays hidden. And if we do that right, and we’re brave enough to sometimes share that, we provide a light for others to do the same. People did that for me, just by creating and making that public.
31. We find our best selves, and our best lives, in the act of creation, turning away from empty consumption, and instead putting our self, our fears, our flaws, into the fire of creativity, to emerge stronger and better on the other side. Under that model, what happens to you, good or bad, becomes a necessary part of life (which it always was), but also fuel for your chosen art. I am fairly convinced that the act of creation, in whatever form works best for you, is the way to a better life and a better version of yourself.
If any of these particularly resonated with you, or you have your own lessons to add to the list, let me know in the comments!
